"I tried but i guess my mind is stronger than my body..."
I was stabbed on a day of Christmas... When everyone else celebrating the joyous moment of the birth of our savior, here i am contemplating to end my own suffering... silly and stupid me! I intelligently planned it, beta blockers supposed to slow down my very heart but it didn't work. I was sleeping with my consciousness slowly, carefully counting every beat of it in seconds. I was trying to feel if it will shut down. I was waiting if it will be painful and if i can see myself grasping the very last air of that night.
For a while i was bothered by the messages the he sent me, i was hopeful back then and let my guard down, i was in perfect shape for another day of survival, but you, you broke my heart that i feel so much darkness that envelopes on it...it was a darkness that clouded my thoughts... I was hopeful! so much hopeful that i will be receiving the best gift from a person that i do not know...But the world turn around and pass the weight on me... weight that my heart and mind couldn't bear... it was infinite that results to so much in me...
After swallowing 4 blisters of the medication and 1 blister of my anti anxiety with alcohol on the side here i am alive and kicking. I never regret it! If my own purpose was served during that night i will be thankful! It is a selfish way but i don't care. I will never regret it!
It was not you who provoked me, it was me who want to do it.
Is it worth it? one of my friend ask....
My heart and Mind is shouting Yes but i i replied no because i think and rationalize.
If you do it will he come back?
The hell i care! it doesn't matter anymore!
101 % you will be going to hell as what my friend told me....
I don't care. Forgive me Lord but really it doesn't matter to me anymore.
Think of your love ones back in the Philippines? they will suffer if you do it...
Silence came...dead air...yap they will but my own suffering will end that's all that matters...
For a moment anger consumes the hoping heart of mine....
It was so empty that all i wanted is for a stop... I never imagined that i came one point in my life that i did it... Why? what provoked me? Would you still want to live everyday where every minute of your life, right in front of you the one person whom you loved and build dreams together slowly drifting away, slowly removing all the respect that i have on myself right in front of me... would you still want to live when you have given everything and sacrificed all that you have and it seems like for this person that i love staying is just a payback for what i did... Yap you LOVE me but why are you killing me slowly...? I made you suffer for the longest time but NEVER in my entire life that i made you feel like what i am feeling right now, yes it's painful for you, but every step of the way i was there... still holding on to our dreams for each other, still building the dreams that we want... trying to change my ways and still loving you... i had my own shares of shortcomings and actions but NEVER did i make you feel that the same way that you are giving me today... a trash! Left out and waiting for someone to pick up and throw, ignored...when i am too busy building you are there feeding your own ego's. Feeding your own selfishness... Making a great plan for me to learn? Nope this is beyond learning... what you are doing is destroying the very core of my human being... Maybe your response would be that maybe i am just too over rated and too busy building my own dramas... But think, think hard on what you are doing to me... do not be overwhelmed by happiness that is masking the darkness on both of us... You will not be happy all the times, yes you can choose to be happy but one day at some point of your time you will remember this.
Yes this is your choice, i agree with it and that i don't have the right to complain and write down or even voice out all my heart aches and agony... that i have a choice to be out, you have a choice to move out because you think that its for the betterment of me...for us? You are stuck with choices! You are not weighing anything rather you choose to just see the choice and stay there. Don't ever think that when the day comes that i will be gone, or both of us will be gone or you will be living alone on yourself is the results of your actions! No! It will never be the answer! There's more! There's more to that and i am a living proof to it. KARMA! Don't ever think that you were the one who impose the consequence of my wrong doings in the past... it was not you dear... it was never you! You maybe part of it but i realize that it was never you at all! So think! What you have right now? Who are the people you have on your side right now?
Think! What if KARMA hits you, will you be able to survive everything and keep hold of what you have right now? Think what KARMA can get and steal with you? Your life? maybe death? Nope! That's too easy! It will be more and you will be wishing both life and death as what i am wishing right now... Don't ever think that i am cursing you! I am a living proof of KARMA and no words can express, no intelligence can understand what i feel right now. When it comes, it will be different from where i am right now, but for sure its beyond what your heart and mind can bear. And don't ever think that you have equally provided the love and attention to both of us, it will never be you who will judge it...but i do appreciate everything... really!
I would love to stay by your side! I would love to see how you are being consumed of your own crisis. I would love to see how happy are you playing feelings to those people around you. I still look forward for days that you will hurt me again and again... believe me i would love to be a part of this game... but never ever in your entire time that you will the break the spirit that i have right now. The courage to survive and the courage to move on...
I would be hypocrite if i tell you that the love already changed to anger... I still love you so much more than the anger that i am feeling right now... more than everything else in this world. I am committed with this love that even for a second right now, every heart beat that i have, every breath that i take it is still you! It will always be YOU! It will always be a dream for me, YOU and I! So i woke up the next day after my attempt... "Ordinary People" by John Legend... perfect example of what you want..."i still want you to stay" as what the lyrics on the song says, "Hold On" by Side A, i would wish that this song is for me...but you kept in silence...
Yes, it's you ...
You're the one in my life I've known
From the start that it's you I'd spend forever with
So please hold on with me...
You know so well that we can't last a day
Without each other
You're all I have and I'm all that's there
To keep you goin'
Chorus:
Hold on, just keep on holdin' on
It may not be for long...
Just keep on holdin' on with me...
Repeat Chorus
Funny how we both try to show
That we don't really care
But deep inside the thing that matters
Is to have you by my side?
Let the tears roll down, that's okay because
Tomorrow no one's goin' away
Just let this be and hold on with me
Hold on with me
Repeat Chorus 4x
I was stabbed on a day of Christmas... When everyone else celebrating the joyous moment of the birth of our savior, here i am contemplating to end my own suffering... silly and stupid me! I intelligently planned it, beta blockers supposed to slow down my very heart but it didn't work. I was sleeping with my consciousness slowly, carefully counting every beat of it in seconds. I was trying to feel if it will shut down. I was waiting if it will be painful and if i can see myself grasping the very last air of that night.
For a while i was bothered by the messages the he sent me, i was hopeful back then and let my guard down, i was in perfect shape for another day of survival, but you, you broke my heart that i feel so much darkness that envelopes on it...it was a darkness that clouded my thoughts... I was hopeful! so much hopeful that i will be receiving the best gift from a person that i do not know...But the world turn around and pass the weight on me... weight that my heart and mind couldn't bear... it was infinite that results to so much in me...
After swallowing 4 blisters of the medication and 1 blister of my anti anxiety with alcohol on the side here i am alive and kicking. I never regret it! If my own purpose was served during that night i will be thankful! It is a selfish way but i don't care. I will never regret it!
It was not you who provoked me, it was me who want to do it.
Is it worth it? one of my friend ask....
My heart and Mind is shouting Yes but i i replied no because i think and rationalize.
If you do it will he come back?
The hell i care! it doesn't matter anymore!
101 % you will be going to hell as what my friend told me....
I don't care. Forgive me Lord but really it doesn't matter to me anymore.
Think of your love ones back in the Philippines? they will suffer if you do it...
Silence came...dead air...yap they will but my own suffering will end that's all that matters...
For a moment anger consumes the hoping heart of mine....
It was so empty that all i wanted is for a stop... I never imagined that i came one point in my life that i did it... Why? what provoked me? Would you still want to live everyday where every minute of your life, right in front of you the one person whom you loved and build dreams together slowly drifting away, slowly removing all the respect that i have on myself right in front of me... would you still want to live when you have given everything and sacrificed all that you have and it seems like for this person that i love staying is just a payback for what i did... Yap you LOVE me but why are you killing me slowly...? I made you suffer for the longest time but NEVER in my entire life that i made you feel like what i am feeling right now, yes it's painful for you, but every step of the way i was there... still holding on to our dreams for each other, still building the dreams that we want... trying to change my ways and still loving you... i had my own shares of shortcomings and actions but NEVER did i make you feel that the same way that you are giving me today... a trash! Left out and waiting for someone to pick up and throw, ignored...when i am too busy building you are there feeding your own ego's. Feeding your own selfishness... Making a great plan for me to learn? Nope this is beyond learning... what you are doing is destroying the very core of my human being... Maybe your response would be that maybe i am just too over rated and too busy building my own dramas... But think, think hard on what you are doing to me... do not be overwhelmed by happiness that is masking the darkness on both of us... You will not be happy all the times, yes you can choose to be happy but one day at some point of your time you will remember this.
Yes this is your choice, i agree with it and that i don't have the right to complain and write down or even voice out all my heart aches and agony... that i have a choice to be out, you have a choice to move out because you think that its for the betterment of me...for us? You are stuck with choices! You are not weighing anything rather you choose to just see the choice and stay there. Don't ever think that when the day comes that i will be gone, or both of us will be gone or you will be living alone on yourself is the results of your actions! No! It will never be the answer! There's more! There's more to that and i am a living proof to it. KARMA! Don't ever think that you were the one who impose the consequence of my wrong doings in the past... it was not you dear... it was never you! You maybe part of it but i realize that it was never you at all! So think! What you have right now? Who are the people you have on your side right now?
Think! What if KARMA hits you, will you be able to survive everything and keep hold of what you have right now? Think what KARMA can get and steal with you? Your life? maybe death? Nope! That's too easy! It will be more and you will be wishing both life and death as what i am wishing right now... Don't ever think that i am cursing you! I am a living proof of KARMA and no words can express, no intelligence can understand what i feel right now. When it comes, it will be different from where i am right now, but for sure its beyond what your heart and mind can bear. And don't ever think that you have equally provided the love and attention to both of us, it will never be you who will judge it...but i do appreciate everything... really!
I would love to stay by your side! I would love to see how you are being consumed of your own crisis. I would love to see how happy are you playing feelings to those people around you. I still look forward for days that you will hurt me again and again... believe me i would love to be a part of this game... but never ever in your entire time that you will the break the spirit that i have right now. The courage to survive and the courage to move on...
I would be hypocrite if i tell you that the love already changed to anger... I still love you so much more than the anger that i am feeling right now... more than everything else in this world. I am committed with this love that even for a second right now, every heart beat that i have, every breath that i take it is still you! It will always be YOU! It will always be a dream for me, YOU and I! So i woke up the next day after my attempt... "Ordinary People" by John Legend... perfect example of what you want..."i still want you to stay" as what the lyrics on the song says, "Hold On" by Side A, i would wish that this song is for me...but you kept in silence...
Yes, it's you ...
You're the one in my life I've known
From the start that it's you I'd spend forever with
So please hold on with me...
You know so well that we can't last a day
Without each other
You're all I have and I'm all that's there
To keep you goin'
Chorus:
Hold on, just keep on holdin' on
It may not be for long...
Just keep on holdin' on with me...
Repeat Chorus
Funny how we both try to show
That we don't really care
But deep inside the thing that matters
Is to have you by my side?
Let the tears roll down, that's okay because
Tomorrow no one's goin' away
Just let this be and hold on with me
Hold on with me
Repeat Chorus 4x
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