Facts, Reality and Truths

Hi,

Absurbed but it has to heard! By YOU! Yes and no one will ever stop me from telling the truth, the reality.
Not that i want to create something out of you but i want a slap of what it is for you. It doesn't have to be your reality but nevertherless it is the truth.

First of all i am not holding grudge on you. These are facts and sooner or later you and i will face it.

I AM NOT A "fall back" dear. Ganyan ba kababa ang tingin mo sa akin? Makes me think how you create something on your mind at kung paano mo pinaglalabanan lahat makuha mo lang ang gusto mo. I am not just an option. I value myself more that just an option.

I value your feelings for him, but more to that i value what we had. Period. Di ako galit on that part that you love him. Trust me.

"the secret to a long relationship is not having a perfect love affair. Fights, differences, simillarities and MISTAKES doesn't count. Give each other hope and hold as long as you can."

You believe on this right. Good Luck. Now the TRUTH...think of our life, our partnership kung anong pinagsamahan namin then ipasok mo yung sarili mo sa picture....
We are living on a same roof because on every inch nang pagkatao ko i am very hopeful for the two of us. And i guess he is also...i'm quite sure of that. 5months ba naman at di parin siya sumasama sayo... we have high hopes...Its just you...too persistent... that you managed to target the imperfections and mistakes of our relationship. A very wise man indeed. That you know how to get what you want. You know where to start and you know how to wreck things unconsciously. Wake up. Magpakatotoo ka. How can you be hopefull to your self when you know that you are part of of the wreckage and continously being a wrecker. Bottom line you are part of breaking my hope. My partner. My only family. Our dreams. Yes nagmamahal ka lang but common dude you managed to ruin a life. You managed to turn our own world upside down and you started with the imperfections of our relationship. On the simplest term, oportunista ka. Now how can a relationship of both people can be hopefull when someone else is trying to get into the picture and would clearly target the most vulnerable part of the relationship just to get what he wants. Nagmamahal ka lang, i give respect to that in its highest form but it doesn't justify your reason.

I am loosing my grip on this. I am letting him go. I want you to know that this is not what I want. This is not what HE wants. This is only what YOU want. That's the reality. Live with it. Hindi ko siya binibigay sayo o kahit sino man at hindi ko siya tinatapon lalo na sayo. I am loosing grip because i know nahihirapan na siya sa sitwasyon at napapagod na siya with all the stuffs going on to his head. I am helping both of us to breath. In a most painful way i'll sacrifce for him and for myself.

Why im telling you this... His my MAN, MY PARTNER, MY FAMILY...
and no one not even you can change that kahit ano pa ang gawin mo.

Excerpts of Mind after Watching the Movie "The Notebook"

What is in a romantic relationship but a plain and simple intertwining of two hearts? It is a UNION of two people who LOVE each other and who AGREE to COMMIT to each other. It is MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING and, therefore, takes TWO to make it live.

With the "union" comes commitment, with commitment comes responsibility, and with responsibility comes EXCLUSIVITY. For what is love without effort? Responsibility means, when you enter a relationship, new "duties" emerge, big or small, in pursuit of the goal to make each other feel loved and treasured. There is now the responsibility for BOTH to assure his Love that HE BELONGS. "Belonging" implies security, and security implies the assurance that it's just the two of you and no other person stands in your way to each other. There are adjustments, and there is sacrificing a bit of freedom that one had when he was still alone, simply because, it's the two of you now.

Things need not be too complicated. The relationship remains when the two people involved still honestly want it -- when both still want to be there, when both still want to fulfill their duties to each other, and when both still want to work out differences, just to be together. However, when even just one stops, IT CEASES TO BE A RELATIONSHIP, and to this, there are no excuses. No if's, no but's.

Yes, excuses to absolute exclusivity exist, the thing on gender being the most popular, i.e., homosexual relationships are supposed to be viewed from a different perspective -- "it doesn't last so it better be enjoyed while it's there, it can't be written on paper and no marriages are legally recognized in the country, no kids are borne to seal the union, etc." To all this, I STILL SAY NO. Everything is THE SAME. This is love. This is commitment. Be it between a man and a woman, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, it doesn't matter. Sexual intimacy, bonding, agreement, acceptance, and the promise to spend life together are all there, regardless of gender or sexual preference. IT IS STILL A RELATIONSHIP and it better made good.

Lastly, in a relationship, one cannot be having THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. If you want me, be here, and I'm here. If you start wanting another person, GO THERE, be with him, leave me. One cannot be treated as an old shoe here, i.e., you try out other newer pairs out there and when your feet start to hurt, you come back to the same old shoe you had. Plain and simple NO.

Remember, this is between TWO HEARTS. Both capable of loving, of being happy, and most of all, of getting hurt.

I'll Never Forget the Love
That I Shared with You

Time will tell what will happen for both of us
In the meantime
I know the love will never leave.
There are too many memories;
there were so many precious moments
and wonderful times
to ever try to forget...
And I just want you to know
that I will remember
for the rest of my days,
how you helped me find
some happiness and some truths and
how you opened some beautiful doors.
I'll never forget
how good it was
to share a part of my life
with yours.
But I guess everything has to be hanging right now,

Down under the road of uncertainties
I can no longer bear all the pain, but rather I choose to love despite of…
You'll still have my respect and when destiny,
meet our faith with all my heart, I will smile
and say you're the one who made my life so worth it.

Niig...

Nalalaman mo ba kung gaano mo ako pinapasaya habang dama ko ang init ng mga hawak mo... Na sa tuwing nagniniig ang ating katawan para bang mababaliw ako...  Na sa tuwing hinahalikan mo ako pinapawi mo lahat ng bigat ng aking pagkatao... ang bigat ng aking puso... Sa tuwing sasakupin mo ang buong katawan koy pra bang pgpapahiwatig na ang mundo'y pra sa ating dalawa lamang... Na sa bawat indayog ng iyong pagkalalaki sa kalooban ko dama kong pagmamayari mo ako... na inaangkin mo ako... Sa bawat dampi ng labi moy langit ang hatid sa aking mundo at pagkatao... Sa bawat higpit ng iyong yakap pgpapahiwatig na wag mong lisanin ang mundo ko, ang mundo natin... Na higit sa libog, pgmamahal ang nangingibabaw sa tuwing nakikita  ko ang kaligayahan sa iyong mga mata.... Na sa bawat hangos ng kapaguran at bugtong hininga moy prang binubulong sa akin na na dito ka lng sa tabi ko...  Higit sa pasasalamat na sasabihin koy pgmamakaawa na muli, sa uulitin... sa pnghabang buhay paligayahin mo ang mundo ko... 

SHOUT OUT LOUD!

If you want me in your life put me there! I shouldn't have to fight for a spot!

Awakening Part 2

After knowing that you refused the chance of a start for both of us... nagising na ako...

"Manggagaling talaga sayo" that was his last word to me... i realized that it will never start from me

but rather it will be from YOU... Clearly when you refused the chance it was the end of my fight...

I fully understand that you are not ready to let him go... but it was an awakening for me that i should stop this... that i should let go... Believe me! at this point mahal na mahal pa rin kita and i am determined to proove that... but how am i going to proove it when clearly your setting aside what's been ours for the last years and left it hanging.... This will never be worth of your time, my time if you yourself cannot find acceptance in your heart... if you are not ready for it... There will never be the word "let's take it slow" from John Legend's Ordinary People if you don't want a start. There will never be "Hold On" from Side A  if you just keep yourself silence and not telling me anything that i should be counting on from you... The future that awaits us maybe is something that would worth counting on...but it has to wait... it has to grow... it has to be proove...

Believe me i am calm as a wind while i'm telling you this and i don't want to argue on things that happen in the past. Its the end of it and that what is left and more important for you or me is what awaits us the next day. Lets not waste our time. Lets not waste our energy. If you stick on to the past then i will be not there staying from my past... I have to step forward... Remember our talk last night while staring the word "samsung" hehehehe i want that... it was like brothers sharing their own perspective. I hope we could sit this over. Enough of the dramas... enough of the exchange of things that doesn't matter anymore to you. 

I am not putting resolve for both of you... "sabi mo nga wala akong pakialam". This is all about me... I'll loose my grip... not for funny reasons to explore what the world awaits me... i have already my world and its you. But i don't have plans to jail you into my world... Wala akong binibitawan sa lahat ng pangarap natin... i just have to stop... there no more reason... theres nothing to hold back... You have your own world now i just have to step backward and grow more... this is not about good byes but rather i want you to think that this is the start that i want... 

So what are my plans? I already have my own plans... you know that... it hasn't been change ever since. But one thing that was not included on my plans... ME... like what you are doing right now  you choose to be happy on your own ways... but ME it will be different... i will choose to be happy without the word "at the expense of". I will be fair to world, that's the difference... Don't get upset that i tell you these, "hindi ako nagugunsensya o nagpaparinig". We have our own ways to pursuit our happiness...

I guess this night you will be at peace...hindi na ako magtatanong... Do what you want in your life...

You will never again hear complaints about me... I choose to be happy... i choose to be at peace on my own world now. Lets just be ordinary people without hangups on each other. 

Death! The Awakening of Anger, Pain and Love of Myself.

"I tried but i guess my mind is stronger than my body..." 


I was stabbed on a day of Christmas... When everyone else celebrating the joyous moment of the birth of our savior, here i am contemplating to end my own suffering... silly and stupid me! I intelligently planned it, beta blockers supposed to slow down my very heart but it didn't work. I was sleeping with my consciousness slowly, carefully counting every beat of it in seconds. I was trying to feel if it will shut down. I was waiting if it will be painful and if i can see myself grasping the very last air of that night.



For a while i was bothered by the messages the he sent me, i was hopeful back then and let my guard down, i was in perfect shape for another day of survival, but you, you broke my heart that i feel so much darkness that envelopes on it...it was a darkness that clouded my thoughts... I was hopeful! so much hopeful that i will be receiving the best gift from a person that i do not know...But the world turn around and pass the weight on me... weight that my heart and mind couldn't bear... it was infinite that results to so much in me...



After swallowing 4 blisters of the medication and 1 blister of my anti anxiety with alcohol on the side here i am alive and kicking. I never regret it! If my own purpose was served during that night i will be thankful! It is a selfish way but i don't care. I will never regret it!


It was not you who provoked me, it was me who want to do it. 
Is it worth it? one of my friend ask....
My heart and Mind is shouting Yes but i i replied no because i think and rationalize.
If you do it will he come back?
The hell i care! it doesn't matter anymore!
101 % you will be going to hell as what my friend told me....
I don't care. Forgive me Lord but really it doesn't matter to me anymore.
Think of your love ones back in the Philippines? they will suffer if you do it...
Silence came...dead air...yap they will but my own suffering will end that's all that matters...


For a moment anger consumes the hoping heart of mine....
It was so empty that all i wanted is for a stop... I never imagined that i came one point in my life that i did it... Why? what provoked me? Would you still want to live everyday where every minute of your life, right in front of you the one person whom you loved and build dreams together slowly drifting away, slowly removing all the respect that i have on myself right in front of me... would you still want to live when you have given everything and sacrificed all that you have and it seems like for this person that i love staying is just a payback for what i did... Yap you LOVE me but why are you killing me slowly...? I made you suffer for the longest time but NEVER in my entire life that  i made you  feel like what i am feeling right now, yes it's painful for you, but every step of the way i was there... still holding on to our dreams for each other, still building the dreams that we want... trying to change my ways and still loving you... i had my own shares of shortcomings and actions but NEVER did i make you feel that the same way that you are giving me today... a trash! Left out and waiting for someone to pick up and throw, ignored...when i am too busy building you are there feeding your own ego's. Feeding your own selfishness... Making a great plan for me to learn? Nope this is beyond learning... what you are doing is destroying the very core of my human being... Maybe your response would be that maybe i am just too over rated and too busy building my own dramas... But think, think hard on what you are doing to me... do not be overwhelmed by happiness that is masking the darkness on both of us... You will not be happy all the times, yes you can choose to be happy but one day at some point of your time you will remember this. 


Yes this is your choice, i agree with it and that i don't have the right to complain and write down or even voice out all my heart aches and agony... that i have a choice to be out, you have a choice to move out because you think that its for the betterment of me...for us? You are stuck with choices! You are not weighing anything rather you choose to just see the choice and stay there. Don't ever think that when the day comes that i will be gone, or both of us will be gone or you will be living alone on yourself is the results of your actions! No! It will never be the answer! There's more! There's more to that and i am a living proof to it. KARMA! Don't ever think that you were the one who impose the consequence of my wrong doings in the past... it was not you dear... it was never you! You maybe part of it but i realize that it was never you at all! So think! What you have right now? Who are the people you have on your side right now?
Think! What if KARMA hits you, will you be able to survive everything and keep hold of what you have right now? Think what KARMA can get and steal with you? Your life? maybe death? Nope! That's too easy! It will be more and you will be wishing both life and death as what i am wishing right now... Don't ever think that i am cursing you! I am a living proof of KARMA and no words can express, no intelligence can understand what i feel right now. When it comes, it will be different from where i am right now, but for sure its beyond what your heart and mind can bear. And don't ever think that you have equally provided the love and attention to both of us, it will never be you who will judge it...but i do appreciate everything... really! 


I would love to stay by your side! I would love to see how you are being consumed of your own crisis. I would love to see how happy are you playing feelings to those people around you. I still look forward for days that you will hurt me again and again... believe me i would love to be a part of this game... but never ever in your entire time that you will the break the spirit that i have right now. The courage to survive and the courage to move on...


I would be hypocrite if i tell you that the love already changed to anger... I still love you so much more than the anger that i am feeling right now... more than everything else in this world. I am committed with this love that even for a second right now, every heart beat that i have, every breath that i take it is still you! It will always be YOU! It will always be a dream for me, YOU and I! So i woke up the next day after my attempt... "Ordinary People" by John Legend... perfect example of what you want..."i still want you to stay" as what the lyrics on the song says, "Hold On" by Side A, i would wish that this song is for me...but you kept in silence...

Yes, it's you ...
You're the one in my life I've known
From the start that it's you I'd spend forever with
So please hold on with me...

You know so well that we can't last a day
Without each other
You're all I have and I'm all that's there
To keep you goin'

Chorus:

Hold on, just keep on holdin' on
It may not be for long...
Just keep on holdin' on with me...



Repeat Chorus

Funny how we both try to show
That we don't really care
But deep inside the thing that matters
Is to have you by my side?

Let the tears roll down, that's okay because
Tomorrow no one's goin' away
Just let this be and hold on with me
Hold on with me

Repeat Chorus 4x 

Pasko na sinta ko...

Naisip ko lang, lahat ng nagmamahal gustong makasama ang minamahal nila sa Pasko,
Natatakot tuloy ako na baka sa Pasko gusto mo nanaman na sabay...
Sana sa Pasko ang maisip mo ako... Sna kahit itong Pasko lang na ito wag mo akong i set aside
at isipin na andito lang ako sa bahay at naghihintay...

Seriously, natatakot ako baka ito ang maging paalam mo sa akin...
Iniisip ko pa lang namamatay na ako sa lungkot...
Kasi kahit gustuhin ko man na makasama ka, pag nag paalam ka
wala naman akong nagagawa...

Sobrang pinapanalangin ko sa Panginoon na ibigay ka naman niya sa akin 
ngayong Pasko... Hindi lang yung oras mo kundi yung puso mo...=(

Alone

I have this great feeling that you are slowly detaching yourself  to me! =,(

Hanggang

Kung pede lang matunaw habang kinakanta mo ito kagabi siguro wala na ako ngayon!
Kung ito ang mensahe mo sa akin sa araw araw pede na akong mamatay... 
Salamat! Mahal na Mahal Kita!

What makes you stay?

I was cruising Dubai Marina for the last 7 hours yesterday just listening to this song.....

"Gusto ko munang isipin sarili ko ngayon"

"Naghihinayayang ako dahil nasira tayo

I heard you saying these words when you broke up with him... 

Di ako nagsalita, i just let you process all things, binigyan kita ng oras...

but life is so unfair... the next day lang kayo na uli...

Sarili mo nga ang iniisip mo, sarili mong kaligayahan and clearly i am

left out...hindi ako kasama....yun ang pinakamasakit....

Nanghihinayang ka sa panahon na binubuhos mo sa kanya dahil 

wala ka naman mapapala? Naghihinayang ka dahil pinakawalan mo yung 

isang tao na nagpapahalaga sayo? Damn! The very sad truth about it is

sa ating dalawa hindi ka nanghihinayang... Sa mga ginagawa mo ngayon...

Tell me nanghihinaayng kaba para sa ating dalawa o sa inyong dalawa?

hay..........

Magkikita nanaman sila! Binubuno nanaman ang dibdib ko.

Di ko maiwasang malungkot, sumigaw at magalit.

Di ko maiwasang maawa sa sarili ko sa ginagawa niya sa akin...

Ang sakit, ang sakit sakit....

Hanggang kelan ba ako tatagal ng ganito?

Hanggang kelan ako magsasakripisyo ng ganito?

Sana madali nalang umalis at magpakalayo layo sayo,

Sana madali nalang sabihin na hindi na kita mahal...

Alam mo bang sa bawat pagkikita niyo hinihintay kita at inaasam na sabihin mo 

sa akin na maayos na ang lahat...sobrang pinapanalangin ko sa Diyos na sana maayos

na ito. Alam kong masasaktan mo siya, alam kong mahirap para sayo na iwan siya,

pero sana maisip mo ako...sana maawa ka sa akin, sana baalng araw matutuhan mong

harapin mga bagay na plagi mo nalang iniiwasan....

Alam mo bang sobrang mahal pa din kita sa kabila ng lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman 

ko ngayon? Na mas mahal pa kita kaysa sa sarili ko, alam ko mali pero noon pa man

alam kong nakikita mo sa akin yun. Sobrang sakit na labz kung alam mo lang sana.

Kung nakikita mo lang sana kung gaano kasakit, kung naririnig mo lang sana mga pakiusap

at pagmamakaawa ko...Hindi ko na alam kung kelan ka pa gigising? Hindi ko din alam kung kelan pa ako gigising...

The Best Coffee that i Ever Had

Heaven is what i feel whenever i sip this kind of coffee.
Weather on a cold morning, a sunny afternoon or just a simple quiet evening.
I will always appreciate every sip of it. The aroma and smell brings happiness into
my soul. Deep within it brings joy and laughter as i savor every inch of it.


While i drink this cup of cofee, my background is always echoes of rushing 
water down to a small pond with kois that resembles like a children playing,
swimming and jumping over. And how could i forget the shade provided by this
very small guave tree, mind you it is very small but very abundant with guava's
bigger then the palm of a child. 


It is perfect indeed! This coffee has always been a part of my life.
It has always been there for the last years and that i always wanted more
cups. He taught me how to do the secret recipe, i tried to do it but cannot 
pinpoint the taste that it has given me for the longest time.


I miss those days when all i have to do is finish the cup, listen and 
just stare on those glowing eyes of smile and laugh. Over this cup of coffee
i started to dream big, i started to learn that nothing is impossible.
That everyone has the choice to make things happen. It made me choose 
the life that i want.


I want more, i eagerly wanted more cups with the very distinct taste.
I crave for it so much like a child. I miss it! I miss every sound of 
the spoon stirring over the beans, sugar and milk and made it so perfect.
Behind its bitterness, sweetness always blends to everything.


I MISS you! I miss those mornings! I miss those afternoons! I miss those evenings!
I miss those taste that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I guess no words can express now how i wanted to go back and dream again from the start.
I simply miss you so much! Like the bitterness of a coffee it has always been
the sweetness that i want to remember forever. 


Thank you!

Blessing

"Today i received a blessing"
Its not something that i would always want,
but it feels good"


For the past days, i would always pray that things will be back the same way.
A cry for help has always been my routine everyday.
I realized that i'm too busy praying for what i want.
Too busy and excited for God to bring change in my life.
I guess one thing that i forgot is to wait...
Wait according to the Lord's wonderful time. 


"Lord i am putting everything to you know,
I promise i'll take care of myself and that i will learn from this,
You know the desires of my heart......
You know what i want.........
But your will is far more greater than what i want and deserve.
Thank you for saving me.....
Thank you for keeping me....
I simply thank you for the life you have given me....
THANK YOU! =)


Your son,
Tuling

FB chat with Maldita

December 12, 2011
11:20AM
Dubai

" Faith is necessary when you know how things are going to work out, that's knowledge.
Its in time of unknowing that having faith is what you sees through to the other side. Faith is
what it gives you the strength. Faith is the light in your heart that keeps on shinning even
when its all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive"


Salamat! nakalanghap ako ng hangin kahit malayo ka pa.
Hayaan mo diko kakalimutan ang chocolates at libro mo!
Sa muling pagkikita natin di ko palalagpasin na yakapin ka at pasalamatan.
Sa muling pagkikita natin kukwento ko sayo kung paano at ano na nagyari
sa kwento ko!
Salamat kapatid!

Naku inatake nanaman ako ng emo!


Katatapos ko lang mag emo nanaman!
Ito lang ang way ko para ilabas ang nasa dibdib ko ngayon,
Para pagdating niya kahit papano ayos ako.


Ang tagal? nakalimot kana yata sa sobrang saya mo dyan?
ni hindi ka man lang nagpaparamdam at nag tatanong kung kumain na ako?
Halos mamatay na mabaliw na ako dito sa kakaisip.
Pag sinabi ko sayo ito, naku tiyak maiinis ka lang...
Haaayyyy buhay parang gusto ko nalang maglaho.
Ma, Pa sorry ha.......
Kuya, bunso yaan mo ipapadala ko yung mga gusto niyo
balang araw....hehehehehehehe
Papa Jesus sorry sa mga nasasabi ko ngayon,
LABZ ang manhid mo talaga at natitiis mo ako ng ganito.
Alam mo naman na para akong bata at emotyonal wala ka pa din 
pakialam sa nararamdaman ko! Wala kang gustong gawin araw araw
kundi bigyan ako ng sama ng loob!
OO na kasalanan ko pero kahit kailan hindi nabago ang nararamdaman ko dahil sa mga pagkukulang mo din sa akin.
Kahit kailan di ko tinaya lahat ng mga bagay ngayon na pedeng maglaho pag nagpatuloy pa ito.
Natututo nga ako pero unti unti mo akong ginagawang bato.
OO na dapat naisip ko lahat ng mga sinasabi ko ngayon bago ako ngakasala ng tatlong beses, 
naiisip ko naman eh! Pinagdudusahan na nga eh! bumabawi na nga ako sayo!
Masaya ako ngayon sa ginagawa ko para sayo, sana lubusan nang matapos ang lahat ng ito tignan ko lng kung hindi ka pa naging masaya at tahimik sa piling ko. Yabang ko noh?! Pero
Totoo, nangangako ako ngayon na hinding hindi na ako o ikaw ang babalik sa ganitong 
buhay!

Monday morning =,(

Dumb, deaf and left,
No choice but to be Numb!


Yap! here i am again...
"Ano ka ba?"  tell me is this easy for you?
I am dying and jealousy is eating me.
I should be happy that you have  more time for me right?
That you are still going home with me.
Yap, i am! Grateful and blessed...
But how am i supposed to find peace when the truth is..
You have supported this person to be his side.
 I am left and ignored, i need to be numb and deaf,
blind not to see how things going,
wear a mask to pretend that i'm okey or tell that you that i can be okay
Tell me, is this easy? Is this what you want?
I am dying here slowly...slowly youre taking away everything from me...
I need to learn, yeah! i am learning the hardest way....

Sana Hindi Na Lang Mahirap

Ang hirap pa lang masaktan ng walang karapatan
Ang hirap palang magkunwari na okey lang


Ang hirap palang magbulagbulagan na wala akong nakikita
Ang hirap palang magbingbingihan na wala akong nariring


Ang hirap palang ngumiti kahit sa loob loob mo gusto mong umiyak
Ang hirap palang tumawa kung sa loob loob mo gusto mong sumigaw


Ang hirap palang tumayo kung alam mong lahat na ng lakas mo naibigay mo na
Ang hirap palang lumaban ng mag isa at di sigurado ang papupuntahan


Sana balang araw magising ako
Sana balang araw mapagod ako
Sana balang araw matagpuan ko pa ang sarili ko
Sana balang araw mahalin mo pa din ako
Sana balang araw lahat ng ginagawa ko maibalik ka s akin
Sana balang araw tumingin ka ng diretso sa mga mata ko
Sana balang araw..........


='(

Realization or Just Daydreaming?

December 8, 2011
9:00 AM

I woke up this morning with acceptance in my heart. =)


While i sip this cup of coffee and lit my cigarrette i realized
that it will be a different morning each day in my life.
My thoughts would always be wishing to make things like it was before, 
The best things that happen to us, I was stuck with this for a long time.....
Maybe that's the very reason why i am bothered, hurt, and eagerly wanted a solution.


I wanted to be idealistic, fight for some things, and stick on to the memories,
But reality finds it way to bend over what i believe and insisting.
It was you who made me, it was you who woke me up and stop
It was you who made me realize that i should accept things as it is.
It was you who made me LOVE you MORE these days.


Falling out of love! struck me so much!
If that's the truth i refused to believe it
because even for a second, i would know that you still love me.
Why? simply because you are here. Kissing me, hugging me, spending time with me.
Tell me, is this love or a state of illusion?


I was curious, for the longest time that you cant look into my eyes directly.
I asked why? i know, i would know, deep in those strong convictions,
you still think of me, you still understand what im going thru.
Thank you! During those times that i am breaking down you are still there.
Thank you! For responding when i asked to have more patience on me.


Time will tell where are we going right now,
Even if everything seems to be so elude and impossible,
I will always hope YOU and ME for the rest of our lives.
I will always pray that one day you find forgiveness in your heart.
I will always pray to that very preciuos moment that you and i will never go back again on these turmoils. 
You and i together. Me and You FOREVER.

Clueless

The touch of your hands in my face,

The warm teary smile that i can see,

I would like to believe that you accept me

Is it too late? Or i'm just dreaming

The last time that i think of myself 

i nearly or completely loose you,

Now you want to think of yourself.

I understand truly.

Is there any chance for the two of us?

I am completely hanging right now,

Or you came back to him?

If then it really hurts..

The way you said words to me,

its like good bye's and see you around

how am i able to take care of myself

when its you in the first place who takes care of me ever since

I never ever entertain the thought of loosing you

It kills me so much that i want to stop breathing

Life for me is YOU...

Tomorrow for me is US... 

(i got an answer, SILA pa din...ouch!)

Nakakatakot ='(

Di ko alam kung ano mararamdaman ngayon.....

Wala na kayo alam ko hindi ka masaya........

Sabi mo nga nawalan ka ng best friend, nawalan ka ng ka BBM,

nawalan ka ng isang taong ngpapahalaga sayo at tinuruan kang pahalagahan 

ang sarili mo...

It all boils down pa din sa akin....

Kundi sa mga pagkakamali ko at pagkukulang hindi ka ngayon nasasaktan.

Sobrang nagsisisi ako sa lahat ng nagyari....

Sobrang nalulungkot ako para sa ating dalawa......

Sobrang na gi guilty ako.......

Sana kung pipiliin mo man ako muli sana, sana,

Pangako ko, hinding hindi na uli ito mangyayari.

Hindi man perpekto ang relasyon natin,

Buong buhay kong susubukan para lang sayo....

Sa mga panahon na ito alam kong gusto mong mapag-isa at isipin ang sarili mo muna,

Sa mga panahong ito ramdam ko na gusto mong sumama sa kanya...

Alam kong gusto mong sumugal para sa kaligayahan mo....

Hindi ko alam kung ano isasagot ko sayo kung dumating man ang oras na iyon...

Haaayyyyy.....

Nalulungkot ako Labz, 

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iisipin...

Gusto kong maniwala na ako pa din, sa mga hawak mo sa akin, sa pagtawag mo 

mo sa akin, gusto kong maniwala.....

Sa kabila ng lahat natatakot ako....natatakot sa pede pang mangyari.....

3:29 AM ng madaling araw.....

"I knew it, by those look in your eyes last night i know something will happen"


"Lord bakit ganun lagi? Pagkatapos ng masasayang pangyayari merong kapalit na pangyayari na kabaligtaran?"


"Wondering! Curious bakit?"


Now playing:
"Home" by Aiza Seguerra
Gusto mo nang umuwi at mamuhay mag-isa? Totoo nga naman....
Wag mo naman akong iwan........


"Wag Ka Lang Mawawala" by Aiza Seguerra and Ogie Alcasid"
Ako kaya yun?Sana! ma-feeling lang ba ako?... Hindi naman ako mawawala
hihintayin nga kita! Sigh..........


Next song.............
2 song playing na hindi ko alam 
Damn! need to update............


WAITING............Patiently waiting..............
SILENCE...........................nakakabingi.......



San daw ako galing? Sa MOE...ngduda tuloy sa post ko! 
SABLAY..!!!!!!!!!!!!! Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Kung alam mo lang.......
Yung kagabi yun................


BBM nannaman..... 
Takatak ang keypad..........
Nag message kaya?


SILENSYO AGAIN........................
Isang malalimg na paghinga.......
SILENCE in motion again


Bumangon, tinago ang laptop at nagbanyo..........
WAITING.........................................


BBM uli............
Takatak ang keypad............
Nag message kaya?


WAITING........................
SILENSYO IN MOTION..........
BROWSING????????????????


takatak ang keyboard......
SILENCE..........
nakakabingi..........
Sana magsalita..........
Waiting....................


Nagbabasa?
baka nagmessage at ngrereply siya....

OUCH! paranoid ba ako? 


Exchanging message?
OUCH! 
Pano kaya ako?


WAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
nakaka praning!


I think they are exchanging messages!
Ang lungkot naman...........
Wala ako BB...
Takatak ng keypad....
Irritates me, kills me!
Suicide? Nope!


Waiting........
Napabugtong hininga ako.....
takatak pa din ng message.....
Exchanging messages nga!
SAKIT.....wala ako sa picture
Para akong kontrabida......


Still...........
Wahhhhh, ang sakit...........
Seselos ako...........


Hayyyyy..............='(

Mga Tanong sa dibidb...

Hanggang kailan kaya ako tatagal?


Gusto kong saguting tanong na yan ng tanong din!


Hanggang kelan mo ako sasaktan?


Buong buo kong binibigay ang pagiintindi ko sayo sa lahat ng nangyayari. Nalalaman ko na ayaw mong saktang ang isang taong walang ginawa kundi mag bigay ng  pagmamahal at magpakita ng kabaitan. Kahit naman ako ang nasa sitwasyon mo hindi ko kayang manakit ng kapwa. 
Pero paano ako? naiintindihan mo ba ang pinagdadaanan ko?


Gusto mo ba akong gantihan?


May mga kasalanan din ako at pinagbabayaran ko ngayon ang lahat ng ito. Pero hanggang kailan? 
Ang gusto mo bang kabayaran ng pagkakamali ko ay mapagod na lang ako na mahalin ka?
Na gigising na lang ako isang umaga na magpapaalam na lang sayo? 
Ang gusto mo bang kabayaran sa lahat nito ay huwag na kitang mahalin at kalimutan ko na lahat ng pinagsamahan natin at mga pangarap natin?


Natatakot ako kung ang mga bagay na ito ang gusto mong itaya....
Natatakot ako kung ito man ang mga bagay na gusto mong gawin ko....
Natatakot ako na ito ang gusto mong matutuhan ko sa lahat ng pagkakamali at pagkukulang ko....
Natatakot akong gumising na wala na akong nararamdaman, wala ng respeto sa sarili at natatakot umibig muli....


Kaya mo ba akong tiisin ng ganito?


Hindi mo ba naiisip na sa tuwing nakikita ko na nakikipag palitan ka ng mga mensahe sa kanya sa harapan ko unti unti mo akong tinatanggalan ng respeto sa sarili ko? Na sa tuwing magpapaalam ka parang kaluluwa ko ang hinuhugot mo at pagkatao ko ang pinapatay mo? Sa ginagawa mo, wala na sa konsepto ng pag ibig, mas nakikita ko ngayon at nararamdaman yung kawalan ng dignidd sa pag katao ko.


Minsan gusto ko nalang maging bata gaya ng ginagawa mo sa akin. Na di dapat ako ngtatanong, hindi ako tumitingin o hindi ako dapat masaktan. Ang realidad HINDI mangyayari yun.
Tama ka, sana hindi ko nalang nalaman pero masaya kaba na pag di ko nalaman ginagago mo ako ng harapharapan habang pilit binubuo araw araw mga plano natin sa buhay?


Minsan naiisip ko kung ako ang mas mahal mo bakit kaya mo akong tiisin na nagpapakamanhid ako sa harapan mo na parang walang nangyayari? Habang buhay na lang ba ako magsusuot ng maskara? Ito ba ang gusto mong makita sa akin sa habang panahon? Plastic ika nga pero ito ba ang gusto mong ipakita ko sayo sa lahat ng oras, masaya pero sa loob unti unting namamatay?


Meron akong choice?
Tama ka meron, maaring binibigay mo sa akin ang pagkakataon mamili... at handa ka na harapin kung lilisan man ako....pero HINDI KO KAYA! Malamang ang isasagot mo sa akin MAGTIIS KA MUNA! Muli ang itatanong ko hanggang kelan mo ako gustong magtiis na ganito ang buhay ko?


Sino at ano ang pinaglalaban mo?
Pinaglalaban mo ang kaligayahan mo? Gusto mong matahimik muli? Hindi ko ba pedeng ibigay sayo yun? Sa loob ba ng halos apat na taon hindi ka ba naging maligaya sa piling ko? Ang totoo patas tayo ngayon. Sabihin mo mang hindi, sa lahat ng nakataya dito sa nangyayari kahit maayos man tayo at maibalik at ang dati pareho tayong hindi matatahimik. Pero naniniwala ako ako na makakalimutan ko ito. Makasarili ka alam mo yun pero sa loob ng apat na taon minahal ko yun at tinanggap ng buong buo...KUNG NANINIWALA KA NA KAYA KONG IBIGAY ANG KALIGAYAHAN AT KATAHIMIKAN NA HINAHANAP MO, KUNG MAS MAHAL MO AKO IPAGLABAN MO NAMAN AKO! IPAGLABAN MO AKO SA SARILI MO AT SA KANYA! KUNG NANINIWALA KA NA GUSTO MO AKONG MAKASAMA HABANG BUHAY IPAGLABAN MO NAMAN AKO! MANIWALA KA SANA!  ='(


Alam mo sa lahat ng tanong sa dibdib ko ngayon handa akong makalimot at magsimulang magbago ng kasama ka. Ikaw na lng ang hinihintay ko! marahil dapat matagal ko na itong ginawa at lumipas na ang pagkakataon ko pero HINDI! SANA BIGYAN MO NG PAGKAKATAON kung ano ang binuo natin sa mga nakaraang taon. ASAWA kita LABZ. IKAW ang PAMILYA ko at sana NAKIKITA at NARARAMDAMAN MO PA DIN YUN SA AKIN! MAHAL NA MAHAL KO ANG ASAWA KO! ='(

I am a living proof of the word KARMA

When KARMA hits me, Big time.
Thrice the pain!
A taste of my own garbage. 
Bigger than my own mess.


Regrets are more meaningful and substantial when everything rebounds to you, it happened to me.
Unimaginable, nerve wrecking, very painful.......
When everything seems to be fine it just blew out of proportion and i could not stand it.....
It caused me so much of my energy, so much of my neurons. I would wish that my heart stops to beat.

To YOU, i don't blame you for having feelings with my ASAWA!
i won't blame you if you fight for your own happiness....
i even don't blame you if he tells you that the feeling is mutual,

If you are man enough and mature enough...
someday.....you will reap the seeds of your actions....
I am not cursing....just reminding that i am a living proof of KARMA.

Love, love love sa araw... Sa gabi kaya?

I had a blast last evening till today afternoon....

A sumptous dinner,
A relaxing dringking session,
A very light chat....
A very romantic evening....heaven ;-)
A very welcoming morning....
A very inviting breakfast......

A very meaningful day for me....
I appreciate it because not of the situation....
I simply love it....(di na kailangan magrason at gamitin ang utak)

Daing

Ang hirap pala pag wala na yung taong pede mong daingan ng lahat ng sama ng loob mo, yung tipong makikinig lang at sasabihin sa iyo na okey lng....

Sumugal ako dito sa Dubai at iniwan ang propesyon ko kapalit ng mas malaking sahod. Okey lang kasi kasama ko naman si LABZ. Siya lang ang pamilya ko dito. Siya lang ang nakakaintindi sa akin pag nalulungkot ako, stress sa trabaho o namimiz ang pamilya ko sa pinas. Siya lang ang sandigan ko sa lahat ng hirap at sakripisyo ko dito sa Dubai. Para kasing nasa malaki kang kulungan dito sa ibang bansa. Lahat ng pang-aapi mararamdaman mo tsaka bababa tingin mo sa sarili mo pag akala nila eh wala kang alam sa ginagawa mo. Eh kung tutuusin propesyonal kayong pareho. Kinakaya ko yun kasi andyan ang asawa ko.

Sa mga panahon ngayon na nasasaktan ako sa ginagawa niya, sinubukan ko ng madaming beses, andyan yung naramdaman ko na pinagtatabuyan ako, sinasabi sa akin na "ito na naman tayo". Yung pag daing ko nagreresulta lang ng di pagkakaunawaan. Kaya minsan pinipili ko nalang umiyak pag wala siya. Pinipili ko nalang manalangin, Pinipili ko na lng kausapin ang iphone ko. Nagsasalita akong mag isa. Baliw? hindi, wala na kasi ang taong pinagsasabihan ko ng lahat ng ito. Kung sabagay naiintindihan ko naman kahit makinig siya wala din siya magagawa.  

Ang hirap pag wala ka nang pamilya dito ibang bansa. Umikot ang mundo ko na siya lang ang pamilya ko. Gumigising ako sa umaga at natutulog na siya lang ang naiisip at natatakbuhan ko. Asawa ko eh bakit pa ako tatakbo sa iba. Kung meron mang mga bagay sa dibdib ko siya ang unang tao na dapat makaalam nun. 

Masakit isipin na hindi na nangyayari yun. Masakit tanggapin na yung kaisa isang tao na pedeng tulungan ako ayaw akong tulungan? kasi gusto niya tulungan ang ibang tao. Masakit isipin na walang magagawa ang asawa ko sa lahat ng pag daramdam ko ngayon...

(tita beth namimiss kita! alam ko favorite mo ito.)

(Labz marunong naman akong maghintay kung kelan ka babalik eh, natatakot lang ako! kasi baka isang araw maging manhid na lng ako wala na akong nararamdaman. Napapagod din ang puso db?Sana balang araw....=,)

Ang Sarili kong Laban na Nagiisa

It was only last night that i realize that it is my own choice why i am hurting and suffering

Dalawa na kami ngayon sa buhay mo.....

You want to keep both of us....and you got it!

My list of things that hurt the most: =,(

* Mahal mo siya

* Gusto mong sumugal na makasama siya

* you have an exclusive communication with him

* you are exchanging sweet words and endearment in front of me

* Nagpapalam ka na mag de-date kayo

Labz i know you want me to learn from this. Alam kong gusto mo akong gantihan sa lahat ng pasakit na binigay ko sayo. Gusto kong tanggapin lahat ng ganti mo, lahat ng gusto mong iparanas tatanggapin ko. 

Pag katapos nito hindi ko na alam kung makikita ko pa ang sarili ko. Sa bawat pag tanggap ng lahat ng masasakit, lahat ng pagpapaalam mo, lahat ng panggagago sa harapan ko, lahat yon tatanggapin ko. Ipapakita ko sayo kung gaano ako katatag. Kung gaano ko pinagsisisihan lahat ng mga kasalanan ko. Kung sa huli TAYO pa din taga mo sa bato na hinding hindi na tayo babalik sa ganitong sitwasyon.

Sa lahat ng oo na sinasabi ko, parang unti unti nawawalan ako ng buhay. Unti unti namamatay ako.  Parang gusto ko nalang maglaho sa kinatatayuan ko. Parang gusto ko right at that very moment mapuputol ang pag hinga ko. Pero hindi lalaban ako ng patas. Patas para sa sarili ko.

You gave me a choice to leave...Hindi ko kaya dahil putang ina MAHAL NA MAHAL KITA!

Naniniwala ako na yung minahal ko dati andyan pa at magpipilit akong hugutin uli yan hanggang sa huling hininga ko. Naniniwala pa din ako sayo na mahal mo ako!

I INTENDED TO STAY AND SUFFER...susugal ako....

Its either after this you come and realize na ako ang mahal mo o after this mapapagod na ang puso ko. Hindi ako aalis ng hindi ako lumalaban...susugal ako labz kahit ano  pa ang mangyari...kahit ikaw pa ang unang umalis at least alam ko na na hindi muna ako mahal.

Tanga na kung tanga....

Itong ito yun eh, Pasok na pasok sa banga!

KUNIN MO NA ANG LAHAT SA AKIN
by: Angeline Quinto

May gusto ka saking mahal
May balak kang agawin sya
Itsura pa lang sakin lamang ka na
Akitin mo sya siguradong magwawagi ka

Nakikiusap ako sayo, nagmamakaawa
Kunin mo nang lahat sa akin
Wag lang sya


Kunin mo na ang lahat sa akin
Wag lang ang aking mahal
Alam kong kaya mong paibigin sya
Sakin maagaw mo sya
Pakiusap ko sayo magmahal ka na lang ng iba
Kunin mo na ang lahat sa akin
Wag lang ang aking mahal
Ikamamatay ng puso ko
Pag sa aki'y inagaw mo sya

May pakikilala ako sayo
Kasing kisig ng mahal ko
Sya na lang ang ibigin mo

Nakikiusap ako sayo nagmamakaawa
Kunin mo nang lahat sa akin
Wag lang sya

Kunin mo na ang lahat sa akin
Wag lang ang aking mahal
Alam kong kaya mong paibigin sya
Sakin maagaw mo sya
Pakiusap ko sayo magmahal ka na lang ng iba
Kunin mo na ang lahat sa akin
Wag lang ang aking mahal
Ikamamatay ng puso ko
Pag sa aki'y inagaw mo sya

Kunin mo na ang lahat sa akin

I Miss you and I'm Sorry

What I’ve learned from the past is that when we are in a relationship it is very important to be consistent with your feelings and actions.

Inaamin ko sobrang nagkulang ako sayo. There were times of rejections, there were times that you wanted to spend sweet moments with me… there were times na nglalambing ka pero i ignore it. =,(

I kept on saying “mahal na mahal kita “ but I am lacking of actions. Inaamin ko that I am confident and secured that’s why nakalimutan ko na mga bagay na sabay nating ginagawa. I am pre occupied sa work na hanggang sa bahay dinadala ko, more importantly I am pre occupied by myself. Naging SELFISH ako...

And now I am reaping the consequences….

It was too late now for me to realize my actions….

And it’s me now who’s seeking for your attention…..

Natatakot ako…Namimiz ko lahat ng mga bagay mula sa iyo…

Nasasaktan ako kasi nahanap mo yun sa iba…..

At kahit anong gawin ko you feel like I am competing and challenged….

There’s always this thought na WALA NA AKONG MAGAGAWA!

I am left with NOTHING TO DO….

It feels so empty and so hurting that can’t do anything but to wait,

tanggapin lahat ng ito at magtiis.

Sana bumalik yung araw ng paglalambing..

Sinasayawan mo ako, kinakantahan, kinikiliti, yayakapin mo ako,

And we would laugh so much….

I miss those days when you just look at me and smile…..

No spoken word…..

I’m already in HEAVEN……

The Devil in Me

10:14 AM December 8, 2011

Dubai

“A lot of people would think na mabait ako kasi tahimik ako, ang hindi nila alam na sa loob ang kulo”

Like any other men like me (di ko nilalahat pero the reality is meron) I enjoy seb. He is aware of it and that I promise to him na di ko na gagawin yun dahil we are on a relationship.(asawa ko na nga eh!)

Nadala ko yun in a long run….i had sexual affairs not only once, twice, thrice. There was this point na months lang ang pagitan. Nahuli niya ako. A lot of times we ended up packing our belongings and leave but at the end of the line we would see each other holding back and that wanted to give it a try. Pinatawad niya ako ng madaming beses. He loves me so much. And I love him so much  that it came to a point na ayaw ko na siyang saktan. Nagising ako pero huli na ang lahat. Di ko siya masisisi kung bakit dina siya naniniwala sa akin. TRUST is a big factor when it comes to a relationship and that is something na di ko na mkukuha sa kanya. We choose to stay on each other and I tried very hard to earn his trust again.

It’s not easy, there were moments that we throw words to each other and this topic would bring up. Nakakainis kung minsan pero mahaba ang pasensya ko at naiintindihan ko siya. Mahal na mahal ko siya, even if it means a lifetime of earning his trust gagawin ko, those dull moments are not enough to weigh in and compare the happy moments that we had to each other.

Yap I fuck up! But it doesn’t mean na wala akong pagbabago. Sa pinagdadaanan ko ngayon, parang sinusumpa ko na ang sex. Masarap nga pero nakakatakot. It is something that God created that should not be abused. Doing it with the right person is the best feeling that you can have.